Funny Quotes l Funny Life Quotes l Funny Sayings & Quotes

On the table I set up some different colored teddy bear counters and asked my 2-1/2-year-old son, Alex, to come play a sorting game. He went and got his favorite toy sword and started swinging at the teddy bears, scattering them everywhere. I asked him, "What are you doing?" and he said "Mama, I'm swording them." ~Violet

My 4-year-old son was getting restless and he asked if we could leave the music store. I told him we would leave just as soon as we pay Mr. Randy. Then he asked excitedly, "We can pay him and take him home?" Randy and I burst out laughing. Joey looked perplexed until I explained to him that it was the merchandise that we were taking home and not

Mr. Randy. ~Jeff

Jelly Beans + Soap + Gullible Grandpa = FUN

One Thanksgiving when our daughter was 4 years old we allowed her to go home with Grandpa & Grandma for a week. During the week she became engrossed with the movie, "A Christmas Story". You know, the one about the boy wanting to have a "Red Ryder" BB gun for Christmas and his many adventures. Anyhow, one night she is sitting on her Grandpa's lap feeding him his favorite jelly beans and watching "A Christmas Story." It's also important to note that before placing jelly beans into his mouth, she would say, "close your eyes and open wide" which brings us to the part in the movie where the boy gets his mouth washed out with soap. Well, Hannah tells her Grandpa to "close your eyes and open wide," runs into the bathroom and gets some soap. Expecting a juicy, black jelly bean, Grandpa chomps down on the soap and jumps up spitting. Meanwhile, Grandma is ROFL (rolling on the floor laughing). And, being the good Pastor's wife she begins calling the congregation who show up the next day at church with flavored soaps (coffee, strawberry, etc..) for their Pastor. ~Ray & Brenda Lamphere

Children say the cutest, most hilarious things! It sure is fun when we have the opportunity to see life from their perspective.

My 3-year-old son is fascinated with the concept that Jesus is in his heart. One day he asked me, "How do I get Jesus to come out of my heart?" I explained that Jesus lives in our hearts and when we give away love, that's how He comes out. He looked down at his little chest and in a loud, expressive voice he called out, "Jesus, I love you." He looked up bewildered, "Why didn't He come out?" he asked. ~Lynn

I was driving home one day with my sons when my 5-year-old asked, "Mom, what's a hypocrite?" I explained that a hypocrite was someone who criticized something you were doing while they are doing the same things themselves. He nodded and said, "Well, why did you say that great-grandpa was a hypocrite?" I said, "Son, I never said great-grandpa was a hypocrite." My oldest said, "Oh, yes you did! I remember!" My five year old said, " You did, Mom, I heard you." I could never remember saying anything remotely like that about my husband's grandfather, whom I love like my own, but they seemed convinced. I asked, "When did I ever say anything like that?" The 5-year-old said, "You said great grandpa would vote for Al Gore because he was a hypocrite." I quickly corrected, "No, no I said he would vote for Al Gore because he was a DEMOCRAT!" "Oh, yeah, that's right," they said. True story. I'm glad they said something to me about it before they told great-grandpa. ~Shannon

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!" ~funny-stuff-central.com

People will accept you more readily if you tell them that

Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Why do cats eat fur balls? Because they love a good gag.

What do people do in clock factories? They make faces all day.

There was a man who said, I never knew what happiness was until I got married, but then it was too late.

Laughter Fact:

Studies have identified 18 different kinds of smiles. The most common is the smile of enjoyment.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Newspaper Advertisement:

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Think about it! In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A plastic surgeon's office is the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

Proverb: If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

Funny Quotes and Sayings -

Advertisement: Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde." ~Dolly Parton

"Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it."

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Resume Bloopers:

* Proven ability to track down and correct erors.

* Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!

* At bottom of resume: Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Happiness is having a large, caring close-knit family...in another city. ~George Burns

bumper sticker: If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Have you ever noticed? Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. ~George Collin

Funny Quotes -

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." ~Lily Tomlin

DIAPER spelled backwards is REPAID. Think about it...

What's another word for thesaurus?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up." After a few seconds, one boy stood. "Do you think you're stupid?" she asked. "No, ma'am, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself."

Newspaper Classified Ad:

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,you'll never go anywhere again.

Funny sign on a field:

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Funny Quotes -

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother covered her face in cold cream. "Why do you do that?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful."

When she began to rub it off, the boy asked, "Why are you doing that? Did you give up?"

Living with a saint is more grueling than being one. ~Elsa Peretti

Notice in dry cleaner's window:

Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Did you know?

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello once took out a $100,000 insurance policy with Lloyd's of London that stipulated payment if any of their audience should die of laughter.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry, because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? ~author unknown